


End Where I Begin

by LiliFayre



Series: Lost Souls [1]
Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Dark, Depressing, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-09
Updated: 2011-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-25 21:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/274860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiliFayre/pseuds/LiliFayre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike isn't sure what is left for him. Harvey has felt lost for years. Where do the broken go to find themselves? thought of this at about five in the morning. I like it, but few other people seem too. I plan to write a sequel to this at some point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End Where I Begin

**Author's Note:**

> I love both the band The Script and their song End Where I Begin. I don't know why I make it seem so dark, because it really isn't.

_Sometimes tears say all there is to say  
Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away  
Tried to break my heart   
Well it's broke  
Tried to hang me high   
Well I'm choked   
Wanted rain on me  
Well I'm soaked   
Soaked to the skin_

Mike stood on the sidewalk, staring aimlessly up at the clouds. Despite their color and the fact that the rain was already starting to fall, he found them oddly beautiful. There wasn't much that he found beautiful anymore. Sure he had told Rachel that she was pretty, but it was more of a factual statement than a legitimate compliment. He missed feeling like a whole person, like he did when he had actual friends, as terrible as they had ended up being. He missed Trevor and Jenny. He missed being able to call Trevor about everything and nothing, he missed Jenny stopping by and nagging him to eat right. It depressed him, knowing that the only person left that cared at all was his grandmother, and she wouldn't be around for ever. The thought made his heart ache.

As the sky opened and rain fell from the clouds in a torrent, Mike stayed still on the sidewalk, ignoring the people pushing past him to take cover. His suit was ruined, but Mike didn't care. He ran his hand through his short hair, water running down his face in rivulets. He took a deep breath but it did nothing to help his mood. He was tired, so tired of always being pulled together.

 _It's the end where I begin  
It's the end where I begin_

Sometimes, all Mike wanted to do was let go, stop pretending to be the person everyone could always go to to fix their problems. Mike had plenty of those on his own, not that anyone asked him about them. Mike scowled, displaying his mood to the clouds above. No, people just come to him and complained about what was wrong, then got angry if he couldn't fix it. Trevor and all his problems dealing, Jenny and her issues with Trevor. It grew until Mike wasn't sure he could handle it anymore. He was running on nearly empty.

 _Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes  
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away   
Tried to break my heart   
Well it's broke  
Tried to hang me high   
Well I'm choked   
Wanted rain on me  
Well I'm soaked   
Soaked to the skin_

He know that the worst thing he had ever done was getting kicked out of college. It was his mistake, no one else's. He never blamed Trevor for it, his ex-friend never forced him to do it. He accepted the fact that, it meant he would never be someone his grandmother could truly be proud of. He knew that deep down she was disappointed that he didn't work as hard as he could, or that he let himself be led into a less honorable life style. She would never say anything, but then, neither would Mike. It was enough that he did everything he could for her, after all that she did for him.

 _It's the end where I begin  
It's the end where I begin_

The days that really hurt were days like today, when the overwhelming loneliness threatened to consume him. When the guilt at disappointing his grandmother, at not living up to anyone's expectations ate away at him. When all he really wanted was for someone to talk to. Someone that wouldn't need his help, or stare at him with hints of sadness or disappointment in their eyes.

 _Now I'm alive  
and my ghosts are gone  
I've shed all the pain  
I've been holding on   
The cure for a heart   
Is to move along, is to move along  
So move along  
_

He tried to start over. He started working the job that had been his dream at one point, but no longer seemed to be what he wanted. That was Mike's problem, really, he couldn't decide where he what it was that he wanted. All Mike knew he wanted now, was to stop feeling so alone.

 _What don't kill a heart  
Only makes it strong _

Mike had read once, what doesn't kill you only makes you strong, but that was his least favorite saying ever. He hated it with everything he was. It didn't make you stronger, it make you break that much harder and made the pieces left over smaller and harder to put back together. Mike wasn't sure how many more times he could hold it in.

 _It's the End where I  
End where I   
End where I begin _

His face slowly turned from embracing the rain to staring down at the concrete sidewalk, the rain blurring his vision. There really wasn't anything to see, not anymore.

 _Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes  
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away_

Mike took another shaky breath, before forcing his feet to move, one in front of the other. There wasn't anything else he could do now, but go back to his ratty little apartment, and once again try to will himself into pretending again. He had to smile, work hard, and pretend that everyday wasn't a complete trial. Because, that was all he really knew how to do anymore.


	2. Remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song here is Remain by The Mike Mcclure Band. It just... fit.

_I've been out there in this wicked world  
And it pulls me under sometimes  
And I can't say I’ve had many days  
That it has not messed with my mind_

Harvey has never regretted becoming a lawyer. It was what he was born to do. It was a cutthroat world, but Harvey thrived in it. He enjoyed matching his wits against another lawyers, enjoyed the challenge of the courtroom. When he was climbing that immense ladder, there were days when, all he wanted to do was get away, far away from the backstabbing, and the manipulations. Eventually that world enveloped him, completely changing the way he thought, until he went into every situation or discussion, like it was a courtroom battle. Everything was a fight, that Harvey refused to lose.

 _Everybody's searching for the end of the rainbow  
I'm just trying to smell the rain  
And every joy it seems to be wrapped up in sorrow  
Behind every pleasure there's been a touch of pain  
But I will remain_

Deep down, in a place that Harvey would deny existed, he regretted that small fact. It was what drove him to take long walks in rain, trying to remember the joy he used to feel at the smell it brought. It made him slightly melancholy when he won a particularly fierce case, and reveled in the defeat of his opponent. It was what caused him to seek out so many one night stands, knowing that despite the enjoyment nothing substantial would ever come from them.

 _Highs and lows  
Ups and downs  
Heavenly highs and crashing grounds  
But you walk a mile in my worn out shoes  
Walk yourself right through my blues_

While he refused to show how much it bothered him, because he worked hard to get to where he is, Harvey still wished sometimes that he could change how he interacted with people. He would never admit it, but Donna was probably his closest friend. She was the only person that never treated him like a bloodthirsty shark, but as a person. It took years for him to get to the point that he could talk to her without trying to come out on top. Few people ever outmaneuvered Donna.

Harvey realized exactly how much he had changed, during Mike's interview. He wasn't concerned with the kid's plight, not then, but was thinking the entire time how to turn it around to Harvey's advantage. That was what made him pause, looking out the door at the pompous fools waiting for their chance to show off all their skills in sucking up. He looked at Mike and it struck a cord, of how he used to be. Not so naive and openhearted, but struggling through the tar of life.

 _Everybody's searching for the end of the rainbow  
I'm just trying to smell the rain  
And every joy it seems to be wrapped up in sorrow  
Behind every pleasure there's been a touch of pain  
But I will remain  
_

It had been a stray thought that stuck in the back of his mind, never quite going away. It appeared at the most inopportune times. It was what make Harvey support the kid as much as he did, what made him solve the kids problem with Trevor. It was what had driven Harvey out for another of his secret walks in the rain. Harvey tried so hard to force it away, because he wouldn't give up his title. He would stay at the top, no matter what.

 _Everybody's searching for the end of the rainbow  
I'm just trying to smell the rain  
And every joy it seems to be wrapped up in sorrow  
Behind every pleasure there's been a touch of pain  
But I will remain_

It was that stray thought, that saw so much of himself in Mike, that had made him stop on the sidewalk staring at his associate. Mike, who was always cheerful, always so determined not to compromise his individuality in his quest to be a great lawyer. The sight of the young man staring so forlornly up at sky, broke a part of the wall that Harvey had thrown up to protect himself. The thought that maybe Mike would end up exactly like Harvey, hurt the older man to the point that when Mike started slowly walking away, Harvey ended up following him.


	3. When I'm Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we have When I'm Alone by Carbon Leaf. I have all these great songs and I made them so gloomy. Thete is something wrong with me.

_I opened up the music box  
I wish you would have changed the locks  
To keep me from replaying  
All the feelings I've been saving  
I did not keep them locked up inside  
I did not take my steps in stride  
Thought you were bluffing, trampled on you  
Went from friends to nothing  
Radio turns to gold  
And paves the way  
To find my home  
When I'm alone_

Completely wrapped in his thoughts, Mike aimlessly wandered toward his apartment. He didn't have to pay attention to where he was walking, the rain had scattered anyone sane that would normally be on the sidewalk, and he knew every possible route from his work to his building. Mike wasn't even concerned with being mugged. He didn't have anything of value on him, not for a Sunday spent filing briefs. If anyone did jump him all they would get was a dollar so wrinkled no vending machine would take it, and half eaten bag of chips. The false lawyer didn't even have his ID on him, all the cleaning and security staff at Pearson-Hardman knew him on a first name basis, since he spent so much time there after hours.

The thoughts running through his mind were nothing to be enjoyed. They were, still, of Trevor. Mike shook his head as he walked, wishing once again, that he could have been able to make the break that he should have. His gram, even Harvey told him that nothing good would come from Trevor. The worst part of having a memory like his was that he couldn't forget what the friendship felt like when it was good. It hadn't always been the illegal, hurtful thing that it had ended as. Once, they were more like brothers than anything else. He never was sure what that meant for Trevor, who had two brothers, but all Mike had was his grandmother, and the thought of having someone, being that close and open with them, was truly the greatest thing in the world. The memories, and echoes of laughter haunted him like the remnants of a song someone has only heard once but found themselves humming sometimes.

Finally, Mike paused, staring up at his apartment. He knew that it was pointless to to the front door, it had been broken for over a month now, and continued around to the side, scaling the fire escape with practiced ease. The silence that greeted him once he slipped through the window he always left open, mostly so he was never locked out, felt as thick as day old gravy. Mike stood there for only a moment before deciding that it was the last place he wanted to be. He took half a breath and raced through his apartment, changing from his sopping wet suit into faded jeans and a t-shirt. Slipping into his shoes and grabbing a flannel shirt, he ducked back out the window and into the steady sound of the falling rain.

 _Overeager and underway  
I risked it all, I had to say  
What opened me up for the beating  
But the heart is for bleeding  
With scraps of songs I paste along  
The seams of my clumsy tongue  
In hopes of creating the golden notes  
That might bring you back to me_

Mike hit the concrete running. His mind was swirling with thoughts of how stupid he was. It wasn't Trevor's fault that Mike ended up where he is now. It was Mike's foolishness that let him believe nearly everything anyone told him. He believed Trevor when his former friend said that no matter what he would have Mike's back. It was Mike's kindness that let everyone at the law office walk all over him. It was Mike's guilt that made him do anything for the grandmother that he had disappointed. The blond raced down the street, nearly knocking someone over. He half muttered an apology over his shoulder, as he continued, hoping that if he ran fast enough, he could get away from his thoughts.

It was an unknown fact that Mike knew nearly every inch of New York. He knew it better than most of the people that had lived there their whole lives. Shortly after he moved to the city, his gram had taken him to the library. He spent four hours looking at every map in the building. At the age of six, most kids would have preferred a ball game or a trip to the park, not Mike. He adored books, and at the time was fascinated by maps. Since then, his grandmother had never had to worry that Mike would get lost. So he ran, paying no attention to anything but the sounds of the past and his empty broken wishes.

 _Radio turns to gold  
And paves the way  
To find my home  
When I'm alone_

When he finally stopped, out of breath and unable to keep up the punishing pace, he was standing in front of a tall dilapidated building. Mike remembered that it used to be a hotel at one point, but now it was what others called a scar on the city's face. Before he got his new(read-fake) start on life, Mike spent a lot of time on the roof of this building. He loved to come here when he used to get high, the view wasn't as nice as the one from Harvey's office, but it spanned most of Central Park. He remembered that he would spend hours, leaning over the rail, half baked and making up his own stories for the people he watched going in and out of the park. He needed that familiarity now, the red and gold leaves, the smoky blue of the lakes, the dull gray of the building making a frame for the picture. It didn't matter to Mike that the old hotel sat in one of the worst parts of Brooklyn, or that it would be completely packed with people that had no home or place to go. It didn't matter that it wouldn't change anything. All that matter was it was a simple familiar thing that might, just might, make it a little easier for Mike to pick up the shattered parts of his soul.

 _Like phantoms on the highway  
After holiday, gritting their teeth  
Racing to find a place for their soul  
Or at least a place... that's less familiar  
We offer up our heart before  
The heart's invited or asked for  
Oh no, here I go my friend, I'm repeating  
But the heart is for bleeding...  
And I've said all I can say  
I am retreating, on my way  
Music box, play my song I'll sing along  
To that bitterly sweet tone  
When I'm alone..._

He had never brought anyone here. Not Trevor or Jenny, never told his gram about it. It was the only place in the world that Mike considered his. His apartment was technically his, but lately, it didn't seem that way. It seemed that more often than not, someone was there waiting for him. Trevor, before they fought, Jenny before she decided that Mike was against her, even his landlord, who always swore Mike owed him money. He chucked slightly, the sound dark and humorless. He was such a fool.

Mike knew better than to try the door that was half hanging off it's hinges. The homeless people that camped in the building didn't like it when careless people trampled over them. So after a courtesy glance, Mike moved straight for one of the few unbroken windows. That was the door, anyone used to get into the building. Hallways were always packed with the ones that couldn't move well. As he made his way through the building, Mike was bitter that even the homeless people, who didn't have anything, still had people to look out of them, even if it was just other people equally down on their luck.

Scrambling up the steps leading to the roof, Mike flinched at a sudden thought. It had taken him forever to become Trevor's friend. Nearly two years of doing everything he knew to fit in and find someone that, at the time, didn't judge him. Since then, he hadn't really made another. Sure, he joked with Rachel and smiled when Donna walked all over him. But they didn't know Mike, not really. They knew the happy kid that had no problems and was too nice for his own good. He was alone. Mike slammed the roof door closed behind him with as much force as he could, considering he was shaking slightly from the rain. He needed to forget, that would make everything so much better if he could just forget what it was like to have people that he wasn't related to care for him. He wanted to forget that he was a failure, and probably always would be one, no matter how hard he tried. He moved across the small roof, and gripped the half broken rail hard enough that his knuckles were white, staring at the park, trying to forget it all.


	4. Man's Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My god. I adore the movie this song is from. Man's Road by America it just, gorgeous.

_Horizon rising  
up to meet the purple dawn  
Dust demons, screaming,  
bring an eagle to lead me on  
For in my heart I carry such a heavy load._

 _Here I am on Man's Road._

Harvey was surprised that Mike wasn't harder to follow. He and Donna both made it a habit to keep a close eye on the kid. At first, it was to make sure that he didn't ruin their whole scheme and get Harvey disbarred. He doesn't know why Donna continues to do so, but Harvey never stopped because of that nagging voice in the back of his mind. It screamed at him to watch over the kid. Over time, Harvey had noticed that it was very hard to sneak up on Mike. Oh, Harvey managed just fine, it was too amusing to watch the kid jump, but few others were able to do it. The blond was dodgy. But apparently, whatever had lured Mike out was distracting him from his normal routine. Truth be told, Harvey could almost see the weight on the kids shoulders. It bothered the lawyer that he felt so in tune with his associate. Harvey was cold and unfeeling, such a bond was a weakness.

 _Walking Man's Road.  
Walking Man's Road._

Yet, the older man continued to follow Mike through the streets. Harvey couldn't explain it, didn't want to think about it really. It would lead him to those thoughts that he was trying to escape from in the first place. Harvey kept telling himself that he needed to turn around, to just let it go. That it would be best for both of them if Harvey left Mike to figure things out on his own.

 _I'm hungry, weary,  
but I cannot lay me down  
The rain comes, dreary,  
but there's no shelter I have found.  
It will be a long time till I find my abode._

 _Here I am on Man's Road._

He learned the hard way that such an understanding, the kind that went beyond words were a potential weakness. He also knew that they were rare, exceedingly so. It wasn't something that could be explained or read about. You had to be in the same kind of situation to really be able to know, down into your soul.

He stopped when Mike did, several paces behind his associate. He stayed still as Mike backtracked, stumbling up the fire escape of the shabbiest building Harvey ever remembered seeing. This was something that Harvey couldn't understand. His parents had always had money, and Harvey had never wanted for anything. Staring up at the building, he realized that not all people were that lucky. That thought made Harvey's already dark mood turn completely black. He was just furious enough to turn around and go back to his condo when Mike darted past, nearly knocking Harvey onto the wet sidewalk. The blond didn't even stop, just muttered into the air and kept running.

 _Walking Man's Road.  
Walking Man's Road._

Harvey wasn't sure what to think now. He was still angry, but at the same time that voice, spoke all the louder, urging him to chase Mike down, to tell the kid that he understood. It grew louder with every step Mike took until Harvey cursed and chased after, silently vowing that come Monday, he was dumping all kinds of extra work on the kid.

Oddly enough, the run helped clear Harvey's head. It wasn't something the lawyer ever did. He preferred to visit the gym or the boxing arena but he never ran. After several minutes, of weaving through streets that Harvey didn't even know existed, and all the lawyer could think was that Mike was fast. It was obvious that Mike spend a long time on the road.

 _Moon rising, disguising  
lonely streets in gay displays.  
The stars fade. The nightshade  
falls and makes the world afraid.  
It waits in silence for the sky to explode._

 _Here I am walking Man's Road._

As Harvey continued to follow Mike, all he could think was what a stupid thing he was doing. Chasing down his associate about something that had nothing to do with work. Harvey wasn't impulsive, everything he did had a plan behind it. Even hiring Mike, as spontaneous as it seemed, was thought about carefully, while the kid explained and demonstrated his skills. If he had an associate that could do what Mike could, and so easily it would make Harvey look that much better. That was how things stood at first. But, as he watched Mike succeed even though he insisted on caring all the time, he still managed to make every failure or mistake into a golden profit. Harvey wasn't entirely sure if it made him envious or proud.

When Mike finally stopped, looking for less winded than Harvey felt, the lawyer was appalled at where the kid was apparently choosing to spend his time. The building that Mike was staring at with a look of deep regret was even worse than the apartment that the kid called home. Again that feeling in the back of his mind, urged him to talk to Mike. It swore that this was probably his only chance to do so. Harvey had taken one step when the kid moved forward and slipped through a window. The older man half wondered if that was how Mike got into all buildings. He spent several minutes struggling with himself. Trying to decide if this would actually change anything, or if he would continue to feel like he was drifting along, like a child afraid of thunder. Disgusted, Harvey followed Mike inside and through the building.

 _Walking Man's Road.  
Walking Man's Road._

After several more minutes at war with himself, Harvey sighed, feeling every ounce of emotion released in that simple breath and finally made his decision. He was tired of standing on his own. Maybe it really was time to take the plunge and start a new path. It might end up exactly the same as the road he was on, but.. he had to do it. Despite all the risks he took in the courtroom, all the times he he knew he was fighting a loosing battle, yet kept at it, nothing was harder than taking that first step onto the roof.


	5. Will The Sun Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stratovarious. A band that is woefully underappreciated where I live. This song, Will The Sun Rise, is one of their less popular ones, but still a good one.

_Throwing my dreams out of my mind  
Casting them into the sky  
Canceling tasks I've delayed for so long  
Now it's do or die  
_

Whenever Mike felt the need to come here, he usually spent several hours just staring at the park. It always made him feel at least a bit better, but it wasn't helping him this time. Not in the way he wanted. Mike wasn't thinking of how alone he felt anymore, but his new thoughts weren't much better. He had his dream but it wasn't real. No matter how hard he worked, it would never be real. He would always be looking over his shoulder, wondering when it would all collapse, like a house of cards on a windy day.

Mike wanted it to be real, he wanted it more than anything. He wanted to be able to relax and enjoy it. He tilted his head back, watching the gray clouds, rain stinging his eyes. He felt like a fool, there was no one to blame but himself. He had accepted that. Mike wanted to move past his failures, oh, so many failures, and become what he wanted.

 _I can't be seen I can't be heard  
But I am here and I am wondering  
_

It was hard. Knowing that no matter what he did, or how hard he worked, he would never get what he had wanted. No one listened to him when he had a good idea, no one noticed when he was sick or too tired to keep going. They didn't have to. They had worked for their place, Mike had gotten his on a whim, and would never be able to stand with them as equals. That shouldn't bother him, he was used to it, but part of him, the part that hurt so much right now, wondered what it would feel like.

 _Will the sun rise tomorrow  
Will it light up my sky  
Can I wake up with no sorrow awaiting  
Will the sun rise tomorrow  
Will I still see the dawn  
And not worry 'bout the future anymore  
_

Mike dropped to his knees, letting the rail support him. He was too tired to keep trying, too broken to stay together. He wanted to sleep, let himself be lost in a dream that was so much better than anything he could imagine. Where he wasn't a failure, wasn't the person that gave everything he had to people that didn't care. Where he wasn't broken. He didn't want to worry about making sure his gram was taken care of, because, in his dreams, he knew he could take care of it. Where he had friends that helped him when he fell, and understood if Mike couldn't fix everything and didn't judge him for it.

Mike thought that he heard a noise behind him, but chalked it up to his natural paranoia. He spent most of his teens and all of his adult life dodging people. Either his landlord, angry at the lack of rent, or Trevor, when the man tried to convince Mike that he would be better off as a drug pushing lapdog. He gripped the rail tighter, angry now. He didn't want to be a dog, or a puppy. All he wanted was to be Mike, a person.

 _At the end of each day I promise myself  
I'd better start to live  
Cause sooner or later I'll find out  
There's so much I can give   
I can't be seen I can't be heard  
But I am here and I am wondering  
_

He forced himself to stand. He could do it. The pieces weren't so small that they couldn't be glued again. He had a chance now, and even if it wasn't exactly how he wanted it, he still had it. Mike wasn't going to let it slip past, he had sacrificed too much to loose it now. He had to push himself harder, work faster, make up for his past mistakes. Staring again at the park, so serene with the rain and the breeze, he wondered where it would take him. Would he manage to make anyone proud of him? Would he make himself proud? Mike took a deep breath, steadying himself against his darker thoughts. He could do it, he had to... or there would be nothing left.

 _Will the sun rise tomorrow  
Will it light up my sky  
Can I wake up with no sorrow awaiting  
Will the sun rise tomorrow  
Will I still see the dawn  
And not worry 'bout the future anymore_

The sound of the door closing had Mike spinning around, blinking in disbelief at the person standing across the roof. For the life of him, Mike couldn't begin to comprehend why Harvey, of all people, was there. Mike gripped the rail behind him, holding it like it was his own personal lifeline. For several minutes Mike just stared, mind trying to figure out how Harvey found the place. For a minute it was too much, Mike couldn't handle it, and everything he thought was visible on his face. He started to shake, eyes still locked on Harvey, who hadn't even moved.

Mike's mind kicked into overdrive, a thousand or more thoughts racing around. He was fired, Harvey was disappointed, angry, fed up. Even worse, Harvey was amused. The thought of Mike being broken as funny, made the blond wince. Several more flashed by before one stood out. Mike had no chance now. Harvey's arrival, his knowledge that Mike was a shattered piece of glass had to mean that Mike would never recover. He had just decided that he would be okay, he didn't have to worry any more because, he was starting over. It wasn't enough though, Mike had lost.

The blond turned back around, staring blankly at the scene that he loved the most. He leaned against the rail, head slipping down, so that all he saw was the sidewalk below. “Why are you here?” If Mike hadn't been feeling so low, he would have been ashamed of the hollow tone in his voice.


	6. Dead Boy's Poem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This song is beautiful. Dead Boy's Poem by Nightwish is SO different from their other songs. It makes me cry. It fit this part so well it's amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special note: the bold sections are the spoken part, and the actual poem the song is based on.

_**"I live no more to shame, nor me, nor you, I'm sorry"** _

Harvey couldn't think of a word that would describe how he felt, seeing Mike kneeling before the rusted, half broken rail like it held all the answers to his problems.

 _Born from silence, silence full of it  
A perfect concert my best friend  
So much to live for, so much to die for  
If only my heart had a home  
_

He held the door ajar for a moment, unable to remove his only easy mode of escape. Again, he had a decision, close the door and be fully committed to whatever happened after Mike knew he was there, or slip off the roof and pretend that nothing had changed. He took a small step backward, but paused, pretending sounded so easy, but Harvey knew better. He would never be able to forget the sight before him. He would remember it every time he looked at Mike.

The thick silence of the roof was nearly enough to make Harvey leave despite that knowledge. He knew that Mike was almost never silent. He was always talking, humming, something. Even when he was chest deep in paperwork, Harvey always knew Mike was there because of the noise the paper made as Mike sped through them with unprecedented speed. Mike had the talent, the skills that he needed, he could be far better than anyone, Harvey included. When the lawyer looked back toward his too quiet associate, Mike was standing again, but still gripping the rail regardless of the rain.

 _Sing what you can't say  
Forget what you can't play  
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes  
Walk within my poetry, this dying music  
\- My love-letter to nobody  
_

Harvey released a breath he didn't know he was holding, and let the door close, his decision made. He had followed Mike this far, equally for himself as well as the brilliant kid standing across the short expanse of metal. Mike jerked at the sound, eyes wide, and full of emotions that Harvey was all too familiar with. Loss, sorrow, despair, and loneliness flashed in the younger man's eyes, each one finding an echo in Harvey's soul. Harvey kept his eyes locked on Mike's blue ones, wondering how such sadness could make something look so stunning.

He almost spoke when Mike started shaking. Harvey wasn't sure if it was because of the tight grip he had on the broken rail, the rain, or from his emotions. He decided on the later when his eyes went back to Mike's face and he watched the younger man shatter. The sight rocked Harvey down to his soul, Mike's pain almost a physical strike to the older man. He saw the thoughts on Mike's face as easily as if the younger man had spoken them aloud. He saw, clearly, when Mike surrendered.

 _Never sigh for better world  
It's already composed, played and told  
Every thought the music I write  
Everything a wish for the night_

Harvey didn't know why he didn't say something. He wanted to, badly. But, it wasn't the time, the stubborn voice in the back of his thoughts insisted. Mike had to be the one to break the silence. The other voice, the one that had driven Harvey after Mike, had pushed him to follow the kid all the way up here swore that all the answers were there, Harvey just had to let them out. He sighed, just once.

Mike's face went blank, and he turned away, again staring out at the view, which was amazing, from what Harvey could see. The taller man took a couple of steps forward, the broken voice stopped him. Harvey had never heard Mike's voice sound that way, hollow and cracked. Never before and hopefully, never again. Had he ever sounded that way? Harvey couldn't remember, it had been too long since anything other than scorn had been allowed to seem into his voice.

When he answered, Harvey was shocked to hear how soft the words came out. “I'm... not sure...” He took another step, watching Mike carefully, but the only reaction was for the younger man to press against the rail a bit more. “Mike...” The name was spoken with more care than Harvey ever remembered using.

 _Wrote for the eclipse, wrote for the virgin  
Died for the beauty the one in the garden  
Created a kingdom, reached for the wisdom  
Failed in becoming a god  
_

“I know...” The reply was in the same tone, empty of everything Harvey normally associated Mike with. “You weren't supposed to be here...” The younger man seemed to curl into himself, like he was trying to become as small as possible, hide away from the world, from Harvey. “Please... just let me be, Harvey. You can tell me later how weak and foolish I am... just.. not now.” The words sounded forced like something Mike felt he had to say, a script he had to follow.

Harvey remained quiet for another minute, trying to find something that would make Mike, turn around and see that Harvey had no intention of saying anything like that. “If feeling the way that you do makes you weak and foolish, then I would have no room to speak at all.” He frowned a bit, the words sounded like something a councilor would say. So he continued, not letting himself stop and over think them. “I've broken too... More times than I can count.” He had to say something that would get through to the other man, something that would show Mike that he wasn't the only one that felt the way the blond did. Harvey must not have found the right words, because Mike kept his face firmly turned away, even when Harvey moved to stand right behind him.

 _Never sigh for better world  
It's already composed, played and told  
Every thought the music I write  
Everything a wish for the night_

Harvey felt conflicted. He wanted to drop all his walls and just tell the younger man that it was okay, that they would be okay, but he didn't know how. It took everything that he had to stand there, watching Mike struggle with an emotion far bigger than he could handle. It still felt like a play, or maybe a flashback, because this felt like something Harvey has done before. When he spoke again, Harvey;s tone was completely different, more gentle, like the one Mike uses with small children. “I do understand you know.”

He watched Mike's head snap up, and his hands clench the rail to the point that his arms shook from the pressure. “You don't. You can't. Because you would never have made the mistakes I did. You would have succeeded in everything I failed to do.” The tone was bitter and filled with self-loathing. “You would never be a failure, Harvey...”

“How do you know?” Harvey kept his eyes on Mike when he asked, noting the younger man's face turn toward him. “I've failed before, Mike. I failed in something that you succeeded in.” Harvey smiled slightly when Mike finally looked at him. “I let myself change... I turned into someone that can't even speak to another person without turning it into a battle.” Harvey felt uncomfortable admitting it, it disgusted him really, knowing how far he had let himself fall.

“Don't... Don't become that... because. Once you do.. you can't undo it.”

 _**"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it  
Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry the one without tears  
For I've given this its strength and it has become my only strength.  
Comforting home, mother's lap, chance for immortality  
where being wanted became a thrill I never knew  
The sweet piano writing down my life"** _

Harvey closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look of scorn that was sure to be on Mike's face. He knew that he had no one to blame but himself. He got too caught up in the game, the thrill and wasn't able to back off while he still had some of his soul left.

 _**"Teach me passion for I fear it's gone  
Show me love, hold the lorn  
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me  
I'm sorry  
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)  
I live no more to shame nor me nor you  
And you... I wish I didn't feel for you anymore..."  
** _

“I'm not myself anymore.” Mike's voice washed over Harvey, like a soothing balm because there was nothing accusing in it. “I...” Harvey opened his eyes again, looking at the younger man, who was again staring out over the park. “I'm too broken now...”

Harvey stilled, then moved on a long buried instinct that he didn't remember having. He reached around Mike, carefully prying the younger man's hand from their death grip on the rail, and using them to turn Mike around. Harvey couldn't believe that of all the people in the city that it was Mike who was making him feel again.

 _A lonely soul  
An ocean soul_

Harvey wasn't sure what to do next. He knew that everything to this point was just a start. But, a lot of it depended on whether Mike trusted him enough to talk to him. Really talk. Harvey hoped that he would. He was tired of floating along, always sniping. For the first time in years, Harvey was prepared to let his defenses down, to let someone else in willingly, but Mike had to want it too.


End file.
